We Need To Talk About Authenticity

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We Need To Talk About Authenticity

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There's a big emphasis out in society around authenticity these days. We hear about people sharing their "authentic truth," showing up authentically, seeking authenticity from the people they listen to... but I don't think we really stop to metabolize what that means, or what that requires of us if we are to actually be authentic.

So I want to take some time to tell you how I've come to understand authenticity through this emotional work, how it's become a natural byproduct of healing my heart, and what we're called to do if we truly want to step into greater and greater authenticity.

What Is Authenticity?

I'm not going to give you a dictionary definition here. Instead I'm going to give you my lived experience, my very human felt-sense understanding of what it is....

Authenticity is based in uncovering the truth of who we are. It's the idea that we have, over the course of our lives, covered up parts of ourselves with habits and coping mechanisms that keep us safe, instead of always 100% honest, and now we get to notice that and make a different choice. Now if you read that sentence and you're bracing for a fight because you pride yourself on being honest, 1. I want to say thank you for continuing to read on. It's not easy to feel triggered and continue to stay engaged. You deserve credit for that and 2. I'm not sure you're thinking about honesty in the same way that I am. So let's side track for a minute and break that down from an emotional perspective so we're on the same page, and then we'll come back to authenticity.

When I say that we have learned ways to cope to keep ourselves safe but at the expense of our honesty, I'm talking about the honest feeling we're having. When we're kiddos, we are REALLY honest about our reactions and our feelings. Over time, we see that our honest reactions hurt other people's feelings or overwhelm them or get us in trouble or otherwise get reactions that don't feel good to us. So we edit our reactions and the feelings we show to others so we get more of the feelings and reactions we want, and less of those feelings and reactions we don't want.

This is a normal part of being a human. It's how we adapt to the social circles we find ourselves in. And from a basic biological level, it's how we survive. We need other people to want us around when we're kids so we continue being fed, protected, and loved/included in our communities.

So me saying that we aren't always emotionally honest isn't a dig. It's not even a criticism. It's a truth, a piece of the fabric that makes up a good portion of how our society functions currently.

Bringing us back to authenticity, what authenticity does is it acknowledges that we people-please and hide parts of ourselves out of fear for how they will be received and puff up when our hearts hurt and otherwise mask our true emotions at times. And it asks us to pause and notice the mask and instead make the real feeling underneath valuable enough to show the real us. Most of us don't know that there's an emotion under the mask that's been exiled or rejected or otherwise diminished, that if we were to get curious about it and learn to feel it, we could step into a place where it no longer creates the mask in the first place.

So with all that in mind, the authenticity I'm talking about is a new way of relating to our emotions and our human. A way that values the true feeling, that values true, creative human expression, and where our human is at emotionally. It's about uncovering and then brushing away the learned behaviors we have, to discover who we might be if we didn't need everyone in the room to like us. If we felt comfortable speaking up for ourselves in moments where we always people please. If we no longer pushed down our feelings and let the people around us actually see us. It's about allowing ourselves to finally see what a more whole version of us would be able to create if fear weren't driving the car.

Authenticity is this bold invitation saying, "Human, you're wanted just as you are. Your gifts, your emotions, your true expression is welcome." Beautiful right? Who wouldn't want to be authentic if that's what it's really saying to us?

Then our next logical question is, "But how do we get there?"

Authenticity As A Natural Byproduct Of Healing Our Hearts

If you've been following me for a while you know that I tell people not to effort at changing their behaviors or forgiving or being "high" vibe. If we have to effort at these things, they aren't truly how we are or how we feel. They are a mask. If you want to stop doing something or forgive someone or live from a place where you feel naturally happier, more connected, and easeful, the answer I've landed on is to change the contents of your heart.

Your behaviors and thoughts are deeply informed by the unfelt feelings you have stored in your body and your energetic system. When we learn to recognize them, sort through them with discernment, and feel them competently we naturally step into a place where we have less dysfunctional behaviors because we've dissolved the dissonant feelings they were covering. We naturally forgive people because we aren't carrying around the hurt they brought up anymore. And we naturally feel lighter, more joyful, and high vibe because we've dissolved some of the lower vibrational emotions we've been carrying around with us.

This makes sense, right? Want to stop smelling dog poop on your shoe? Clean the dog poop off. When you do that you don't need the nose plug, or the potpourri, or the windows open. The smell is gone. Maybe that feels like a gross example, but you get what I'm saying, right?

My lived experience is that as I have learned to identify, sort through, and competently feel my feelings I have felt far more willing to lean into difficult conversations without people pleasing or abandoning myself. I find that people that I have felt deep animosity for, or people that have really hurt me, don't take up my brain space anymore. I have truly forgiven them without trying because I can see the growth I gained from our experience together and I've released the hurt I was carrying. I find that I feel more like myself in a wider array of circumstances, which means that I connect with other people more and with less trepidation than ever before. I just feel more like me. And that's the whole thing with authenticity, right? We are just more of ourselves, more of the time.

Now I want to put in here, that I don't believe ANYONE is 100% authentic, 100% of the time. Anytime we get challenged or we need to feel something and we don't feel safe to feel it, we mask. It's a normal protective mechanism, and there's wisdom within it. In order to process emotion we need to feel safe, so sometimes masking 'til you can get to safety is the right thing. From this lens I think it's inhumane to expect ourselves or anyone else to be bulletproof from an authenticity perspective. As I always say, "You get to be a person", and that means that sometimes caring for yourself and keeping your cards close to your chest comes at the expense of your authenticity in that moment. But that's okay. All we can do is be honest with ourselves and grow fro

m where we are when we're willing.

So, How Do We Feel Our Feelings So We Can Be More Authentic More Of The Time?

We start by recognizing that we have emotions that are here to heal us. Our tougher emotions are these beautiful little flags that let us know our human is out of alignment and we need to pay attention so we can correct it. We deserve to be treated better, we want something different than what's happening, or we need to check our perspective because there's a limiting belief we're coming up against, that needs to be addressed. So from this lens every time you're pissed off, you're feeling abandoned, you're frustrated, you're (insert your most common dissonant emotion here), it's just the wiser part of you asking for your attention so you can make your life more beautiful moving forward.

So the first thing we have to do is normalize our feelings and welcome them in as the healing flags that they are. And then we have to get good at actually witnessing them. Within my one-on-one sessions and my online community and classroom The Conscious Heart Academy I offer so many ways to get really good at all steps of this process but especially witnessing our feelings. But right now let me leave you with one.

When you get connected to deep feeling, take a deep breath, close your eyes and ask yourself, "Where do I feel this in my body?" and then keep your focus and your attention on the sensation you're feeling in that part of your body for as long as you're willing. And as you do this, do your best to quiet your mind. Remind yourself this is just energy coming up to be cleared. It says nothing about you that you're feeling it. And thank your human and your body for being willing to clear some of this dissonant energy from your system. We can get infinitely surgical from there, but being in your body with the sensation is a big first step.

The more you practice this the easier it gets. These are new muscles we are building, and while there are some growing pains as we build them, the results are more than worth the training. Knowing that each time we sit presently with our feelings, we move closer and closer to being the truest expression of our human, is more than enough motivation for me. Who doesn't want to feel more emotionally free, connected to their true self, and experience the fulfillment and deep meaning that brings? Not only that, but when we get good at this we are better equipped to create authentic relationships that allow us to really be seen and valued by others for exactly who we are (human moments and all). We create lives that allow us to more fully express ourselves creatively and have more fun. And we get to foster a sense of self that is grounded in knowledge of who we really are, not just the coping mechanisms and habits we've formed to survive.

So start looking for your real reactions, your true feelings, the place where your fear is covering your true expression. Love those little parts of your human, witness the feelings you can witness, and congratulate yourself. You're one step closer to authenticity.